Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
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I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen