My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
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I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
bias laundering edition
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed