Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
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I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*