My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
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Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Ugh
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁