If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
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My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”