Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
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Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Tastes like chicken.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.