My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
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Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
nice challenge
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those