[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
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My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Finally!
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”