When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
You Might Also Like
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
i smell a pulitzer
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.