nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
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Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.