“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
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No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
THE AUDACITY. 😤
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.