My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
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Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Just got to our Airbnb!
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat