My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
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Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I was just discussing this with my cat