So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.