Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
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“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.