bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
You Might Also Like
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11