[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Every. Damn. Time.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both