I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
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ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?