If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
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if a cop pulls u over play dead
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school