Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
You Might Also Like
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
😅😅😅
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.