2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
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Not my job 😂
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why