“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
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“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
This is amazing.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*