Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
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It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Omg 🤣
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!