So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
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I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
You got this…
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.