Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
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Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.