“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
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Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable