haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
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Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
SPLOOT
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*