I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
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Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.