I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
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Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.