If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
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Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.