Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
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Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant