[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
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me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!