my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
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LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was