Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
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I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.