Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.