-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
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hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
“TGIM!” – My liver
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks