It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
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doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
This anagram machine is out of order.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
SPLOOT
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.