Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
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10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.