Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
You Might Also Like
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
THIS HEADLINE
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts