THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
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Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT