As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
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Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Still cracks me up
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham