If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
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The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.