Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
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What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?