It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
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Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Muppet Screams
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit