The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
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If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards