“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
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Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.