Rambo Rambow
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normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.