“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
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When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
No Google it does not
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.