Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
You Might Also Like
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
The real reason evolution started..😂
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.