Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
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I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges